Thursday, September 9, 2010
3:40PM - Haven't written in a while
It's been a long time since I've posted which is ridiculous because I love reading your post and staying in touch. So I will start to contribute more.
On monday my purse got stolen off the hood of my car out of my driveway. I live in the boonies so it's really surprising and I feel violated. They got my wallet with all ids and money cards, camera, cell phone, keys, nail kit that my sister gave me for christmas seven years ago, keychains made for me in high school. Locks have been changed, accounts cancelled, police called. They made off with twenty five dollars. I have been so angry because it was stupid. I would have given them the money. I missed my first day of school because I was changing everything. And my professor didn't extend the thursday due date on work for my women in violence in films. It's irritating.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Sometimes I forget to breathe. I've neglected a lot of friendships this quarter and I've neglected the one to myself most of all. I feel like all I do is either in super speed or slow motion and I don't remember who I am anymore. I'm failing Behavioral Neuroscience and my lab and the only one I have to blame is me. It hurts to look in the mirror and see someone you hate. I'm overwhelmed over and over again and I hate disappointing everyone around me. I owe six hundred in medical bills, my sleep is still fucked up, and I don't know what to do.
I'm not the same person I used to be.
Monday, January 25, 2010
This weekend was insane and super difficult. My ex (Zach) gave his new girlfriend my phone number and she called and texted me all evening on friday. It was insane and cruel. She kept telling me how they were sleeping together and how he never wanted to be with me and hated me. It was horrible. I know that most of the stuff she said was false because if he didn't want to be with me, he would have ended the relationship but it still puts that seed of doubt in your mind. I seriously thought that he was the one and having to wonder if he ever felt that way about me makes me never want to be with another person again. Why put yourself out there when eventually you will be hurt? I spent all the time I wasn't at work in my bed and really didn't get anything that I wanted to done. It's hard having depression and I don't just mean the sadness that everyone experiences, I'm talking about the feeling like your soul has been crushed and you can't move and all you want to do is slowly drift away until you're dead. It's really hard for me because I think I'm a good person. I try to do kind things for the world and generally be decent towards everyone. But I'm still alone. What's the deal with that? How come horrible people who cheat on their loved ones or are stupid or mean or evil have someone and I don't? Who decides that some people will never have to doubt love from anyone and others have to doubt it from everyone? It's a sad situation.
Friday, January 15, 2010
12:58PM - Not too depressing I think...
I haven't been on for a while and I'm sure that my two readers probably think that I jumped live journal ship but that is not the case! I'm doing pretty well lately, trying to stay sane and productive which sometimes is easier said than done. I got two a's and a b last quarter and I'm hoping for three a's this quarter. School is stressful but not unmanageably so. I like my classes for the most part and find it interesting to learn the different aspects of psychology. My favorite is I/O psychology which is the study of people in the workplace. I know I'm a nerd but I find it rather fascinating. My job at Staples is going fairly well but my hours got cut so I'm going to be poor for a few months/ :( and Brittany doesn't do well poor. Speaking of which I just bought a few things on ebay that I don't need but it happened.
I'm not dating right now because I'm tired of guys. A lot of hurtful things that most of you know about have happened in the past and I'm not going to put myself out there again. I've started thinking that some people don't get married or have a committed relationship. First it's statistically impossible when you think about the ratio of men to women and take away the gay men, the taken men, the men that live in China. So maybe there isn't someone out there for me and maybe I need to start getting okay with that fact.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
I'm taking a break from studying because I've studied for this test for five hours already and it's hurting my brain. I really like my classes this quarter and I'm relatively pleased with the quality of people on campus. Stats is very easy for me because I took business stats and passed with a b and this is the easier one. I don't have to study for it and the labs are super easy. The professor really pushes us to think and that is actually great. I like knowing that I'm not in high school and I'm expected to make my own answers, not regeratate stuff that the teacher told me. I've already taken one of my classes which is really funny since I passed it with an A in Winter of 06 but I met a great friend in there and hopefully it will boost my GPA when I get an A again. Things happen for a reason I guess. My cognitive class is very dry and I hate the teacher but I have two friends (?) in it so it's actually a joy to go to. My parents are being ok and everything else seems to be going alright also.
That's it for now...
Thursday, September 17, 2009
10:47AM - So I'm back..
I finally ended my two year hiatus and I"m back at Wright State. Leaving was one of the hardest things I ever had to do because I knew that I was leaving relationships and that not all of those relationships would survive. Thank God, the one with Marie did. It's been hard not seeing the same people on campus and being with them but they are gone now. When I was gone fixing my life, they were here living theirs. In some instances I will never know what I lost because I didn't have a great close relationship with those people but in some cases, I feel the loss very very deeply. For a lot of the people in FMLA I loved them like family and I haven't seen or heard from a lot of them in two years. I hope they know that I loved them and will always always miss their presence in my life and if our lives are joined again, that would be awesome. I broke up with Zach when I was home and that unbearably hard. I thought I had found the perfect person to be with, the one that completed me and it crumbled apart in my hand. I still talk to him but I will never get that closeness back. I'm still living at home and it's hard being with my parents but it's a necessary evil. I'm going to be updating my live journal more regularly now that I'm back with non dial up internet and I look forward to reading all of yours.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
8:56PM - Disney Movies
I've started collecting disney movies and Love them. I have 28 because I rock. Your mom is my mom and I love Heather. So eat my shorts!!!
Thursday, February 7, 2008
7:24PM - At Home
It's been weird being at home for this long of time. I went to Fairborn a few weeks ago and it was so unbelievably hard to be by the campus. I wanted to cry and scream. When Michael Kimmel came to Wright State last year, he talked about quanitity time versus quality time and I agreed with him. You truly get to know people when you spend time with them. Not an hour here and there, but real time. When they fall asleep in your bed (Mike) and you can watch them drift off, or do homework with you in your room (Marie) or watch every single one of your stupid dances (Stacey). I miss you guys, I really do and I am going to be better about calling you. It's unbelievable about the minutes that I miss, the moments that made up our friendships and it cuts me up...to do this day,that I had to leave all that.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
So I'm thinking of deleting this journal. I probably won't but reading about everyone's lives makes me realize how very far away I am. If I had been up at Wright State, I would have known about Mike's relationship, helped Marie through her panic attacks, seen Penny in the women's center and done a million other things. But I'm not. So now I can only peer into the very slim cracks that allows me glimpses of their lives. And it makes me want to weep. I wanted to still be there for everyone. I didn't want it to all fall to crap. But letters get unanswered and phone calls never arrive and my phone calls never get sent out. I feel like we are trapped on desert islands, and I can see what they are doing on theirs, but can never reach across the great chasm of water to greet them. I love you all. I hope you realize that and I hope that you know that I want the best for you. I'm not asking for a letter but a five minute phone call would be nice. Just to say hi brittany, I haven't forgotten about you, I still consider you a friend. It would mean a lot to me. It really would.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
11:35AM - An Update
I haven't written on here for a while because I honestly have very limited access to the internet. It sucks but in another way it's kind of nice. I can just be with the real world for a while and focus on the things that are happening in every day life. I got a job where I scan documents into a computer and it's a nice paycheck. It's boring and I work with some of the stupidest people in Clinton County, but it gets me out of the house and I appreciate that. A lot. I've been kind of isolated at home and it's made me think about a lot of things that I want to change in this world. I want to be a feminist, but honestly, first and foremost, I want people to just start caring about each other. It's hard to do. It's kind of sad but that is really my goal. Everyone can do so much and they don't it. I want to help them realize their full potential. Wouldn't that be amazing? I will try to be better about checking this and I hope that you are all well. I love you guys.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Lysander is dead. My dog pried him out of his ball and broke his neck. I feel horrible. He was a great hamster and I'm sure that everyone who met him could attest to this.
Friday, June 8, 2007
I miss you guys a lot. I'm on the computer at Sam's taking a break from wedding plans. It's hot and crazy and I miss the hell out of all of you. Expect lots of phone calls on monday. *hugs to Mike, Emily, Marie, Stacey, and everyone. Wait....Marie gets four hugs. I love you guys.
Friday, June 1, 2007
In order to be a friend, you do not have to fight every battle for them or even agree with them on every thing. You are expected to care. I failed in this regard in one case, but I make mistakes. You make mistakes, We all make mistakes. I should've told the person that I didn't agree with their actions not told them that I didn't want to be involved. But I was scared of losing that person as a friend. And that is sad. If you are scared of losing someone as a friend, by being honest with them, then that person is not a healthy relationship for you to have. So chew on that piece of grass of knowledge for a while.
comments are disabled, if you want to talk bad about me, do it on your own fucking livejournal. don't come onto mine with your own petty problems.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Well I'm sure you've all heard the bad (or good depending on how you feel about me) news. I am leaving Wright State for a year. This year has been extremely bad and I feel I need to take the year off to make money and get myself back on track. I honestly need to find myself. For the past two years, I have dedicated myself to FMLA and honestly...that hasn't been so good for me. It was great because I got to get active about my beliefs but I thought that the group members were my friends. And this was wrong. Friends are not the people who you spend the most time with. Friends are the people who honestly care about you and come through for you at the end of the day. I think leaving has helped me figure this out. I am terrified to be going home because my home life is so hate-filled and so strange. I don't have a lot of friends down there. Honestly, I have two and I probably won't see them that much since I will be living 20 minutes away from them. But really I need to grow up, I can't just stay at Wright State because this is where my friends are. I'm terrified about losing everyone up here. Sometimes I like to believe that I'm more important than I actually am and I have a feeling that me leaving is just going to prove the old saying "Out of sight, Out of Mind" So I am hoping that my friends can prove me wrong. Please?
Monday, May 14, 2007
So this year has been hard as hell for me. I've gotten depressed and gotten really really bad study habits. I've failed out of more classes than I'd care to name but this doesn't make me on academic probation for any nosy people that care to know. Right now I am fighting with my mom to stay at Wright State. I think at teh end of the day, I am going to have to look at her, apologize for her loss of money, tell her I'll pay her back, and then leave because ultimately I am an adult and I have to do what is right for me. Why do our mothers make us feel like five years old? I've tried and failed and I should've taken this year off. I really should've. And I'm thinking about taking next year off but I'm not sure. I don't know what to do because I'm afraid of going home. It's a bad bad bad situation but apparently it is so up here too. I wish we didn't have to deal with things like money, that education could be free for everyone who wants it. Ugh. I'm so conflicted right now and I feel like I have no one in which I can talk to.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
There really is nothing that I am sure of in my life. The people I've considered my best friends have grown apart and vanished from my life. My mother has changed into someone slightly unrecognizable as she pushes me harder and harder for success. But the one thing I always know is that I will always love Zach. He completes me in a way I didn't think I would need completing. I've shyed away from relationships for the past few years because I didn't want to hurt anyone and I didn't want to be hurt. I wanted it to be cold and cynical and shut myself down completely. As I was found of saying, I'd rather give away my body than my heart. But I started talking to Zach and he talked to me and captivated me and he's made me so happy. He's the person that I cannot be without. I didn't want to end up like my grandmother because she loved my grandfather so much that her world shut down when he died. I found that frightening. To base your happiness like that on someone. But I think I am getting how she felt. I spent one day without talking to Zach and I felt like something wasn't right and I was unsettled. I didn't have anything in particalur to say to him but I just wanted him around. Maybe I wanted proof that he wasn't a dream I had conjured up in my mind. I can't imagine spending 50+ years with someone that you love so completely and them dying. It's frightening but think of those 50 years they had together. All the joy they must have had. All the quiet moments and lvoe that they shared. How amazing that must have been.
So I've been finding some quotes that make me think of Zach because I love quotes (I think I'm addicted to them)
"I know that you are not perfect and nor can I claim to be either, but please believe me, when I say that I want to be by your side, to hold your hand, to treasure you in the morning and in the noon-tide, to be next to you, to be held close to your heart now and for the rest of my living years, to comfort you, dry your tears and calm your most frightening fears, to fight your battles and show no shame to scream my love for you out loud all over the land."
"You are sanity in an insane world. You're reason where there isn't any reason. Reason to live."
"Loving you is like having ice cream on a hot day, the day is so much more enjoyable with you in it."
"Other people save lives, but you rescued my soul."
Sunday, April 29, 2007
12:16PM - Marie
I'm sorry, beyond words.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
I am giving an presentation on sexual harassment in 2 and a half hours. I am so nervous. I've been doing the whole thing all night and I'm still not done. I haven't gotten a power point to add to their understanding. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to find. It's annoying and I hate the stress that this brings. I am ordering the shirts for sexual assault awareness week tomorrow. Very nervous about that too. I'm hoping that the people in Wright Copy are super helpful. That would be nice. Ugh....This night is super not fun.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
3:13AM - happyness
Every day we are faced with a hundred things we hate....this is my journal of the things I love that I haven't showcased on this journal before. So enjoy
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